When Focus is Lacking…

I don’t know that I could have called myself a super task-oriented person before I became a parent in 2015, but I do know that I was able to focus for longer stretches of time and that allowed me to accomplish. What was I accomplishing exactly? I suppose nothing that life altering or impactful, but we’ll just say that things came more easily.

Parenting takes up a LOT of time in and of itself, and I truly don’t mind because my child is my world. But throw on the working full time and spending up to 90 minutes a day in a car commuting, and it eats at those precious minutes that I’d much prefer to spend engaging with my child, cooking a proper meal, or even blogging without interruption for 20 continuous minutes. There isn’t much space in my schedule for “me” time. I haven’t even thrown in that her father and I are on opposite schedules, so there isn’t much “us” time for he and I either.

Determining how to magically generate time for pursuit of my own self care, goal planning, and general well-being is something I am still actively trying to figure out.

I take “stolen moments” as I call them for myself when possible. I began this post, for instance, in the 15 minute interim of my Sunday morning wake-up and my daughter’s. I am now picking up where I left off in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, and will probably resume writing one or two more times before I completely get to the point of this rambling.

I optimistically bought myself a Panda Planner after I saw my single friend with a freelance career toting one with her as she worked remotely at a local coffee shop one evening. I flipped through it, excited at the prospect that if I could just neatly organize my goals for the week into this well structured $23 notebook, surely I could revisit the page I wrote them on daily to check in with myself and hold myself accountable. I promptly ordered it on Amazon, got it two days later, and looked across the room at it occasionally throughout the month of January, delaying for one reason or another actually starting to use it: “But I should start on a fresh month,” “But it isn’t Sunday, and you’re supposed to start at the beginning of the week to set your intention!”

Let’s just say that planner is still only sporadically used, several months later.

I can be great at planning gatherings, weekend outings, domestic travel, and even a 17 day long trip overseas that involves staying in 6 countries. I orchestrate these events without hesitation because I’m passionate about the outcome. I put great care into the details because the novelty of the experiences to be had lights a fire in my soul.

Planning my “What’s Next” still causes me pause, distraction, and an overall lack of execution.

I can’t seem to find the fire in uncertainty that involves an unpredictable outcome. Yet the concept of “What’s Next” is now upon me. I can see that without propelling myself into action, nothing will change. Time has become my excuse, and so therefore I must reimagine how I can have “enough’ of it to allow myself the space to get to where I want to be as a partner, a mother, an earner, and a creative individual.

It’s time for me to reign all that seemingly ADHD behavior in and get to rewiring my thought processes so that I’m more involved in the outcomes that surround me. It’s a difficult concept to process that things don’t just happen without conscious effort. Even more so that just “letting things be” when dissatisfied will not yield the life I’m envisioning. In my 20s, I coasted through my days without great thought of what belie me. Perhaps becoming a parent has forced me out of that oversimplified realm of thought.

It’s time to open up the planner and start make plans. I might just be a grown up now after all.